Forgive me my trespasses...

I’m so tired.

My head hurts. A pulsating dull ache that ebbs and flows like the tide and which recedes completely only when I lapse into nightmare-ridden sleep.

The lovely lonely girl that understood has gone, faded into the morphless morass of the internet… The doubting and beautiful jukebox queen with her princesses and prince who seeks to reclaim love is lost; lost in love with a face, a digital visage that’s really a mirage; a Facebook mask for a cruel clown that taunts with disdain and derision.

How dare he?

How dare I?

That leaky bucket of profiles and feeds, of links and groups which snoop, so I stoop and scoop to fill my boots with digital loot; I am a dragon, a slimy, slithery, slippery dragon; there is no slaying St George and I gorge my eyes on this innocent feast until I’m sick; I gag on my own spew and vomit.

I am a prick.

I disgust myself; I am depraved.

To what depths shall I go? How deep is this pit? This seemingly fathomless pitiless pit I can’t fathom has cleaved my mind, as if an axe; and once ruptured out pour the cloven-hooved ones, six hundred and sixty six gremlins and goblins and ogres and orcs. Foul. Besmirched, black and bloated creatures of the night that hide behind my eyes, a-gibbering and a-jabbering, banging their drums. Bang, bang, banging their drums. And the blackness comes and comes, relentless.

Drowning out sanity and driving me insane.

Aladdin sane.

And the sick joke is I don’t know why. Why do I pointlessly persistently pursue and pester my… pray for me. The sulphurious stench of Lucifer’s breath hangs over me, an appalling malodorous pall.

He’s coming: I fear him.

And I’m sorry. With every repetition that word loses strength and credibility; by now it has no meaning, it is worn out, empty and hollow; it has neither currency nor value. I can’t message, email or txt…so I’m sorry I’ll have to blog. Even as I say it I know I’ve manipulated, it’s there at the top, the last vestige; everything else, what little there was, has been deleted. 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m always so bloody sorry. 

My head still hurts.

Goodbye.